I’ve always told myself that I would not jump into something without fully thinking things thoroughly. To a certain extent I have kept my word. I have cautiously weighed occupational options. Do I want to be a teacher? Continue broadcasting? Pharmacy? Medical? Yes, many of you are probably wondering about my choices. But I really considered each one of these. I took a year off after graduating to “find myself”. I dabbled at jobs here and there all my life. Through everything I determined that I need to work with people. I’m a people person. I need contact with people not just computers. I finally made up my mind to commit to teaching. Rather then throwing caution in the wind, I was a teacher assistant for 7 months. I liked it. It seemed like that was my path. So I went back to school and did the whole credentialing gig (I had to really think it thoroughly, cause it cost an arm and a leg.). After school and student teaching I was amped for my first year. I had so many plans and ideas. I was your typical first year teacher. Seven months and about $40,000 later I question my decision. If teaching was just about teaching, I would be okay. But it’s not. Teaching is about being a second parent to 20 kids, many of which have parents that don’t care for them well. Teaching is about the counselor to 20 kids and 20 parents. Teaching is about dealing with bureaucratic shit that we have no control over. Teaching is about so many things, most that are not listed in the job description. Teachers are so vulnerable to criticism. If kids are doing something wrong we blame the parents, but then the parents blame the teachers. We (the teachers) have to teach EVERYTHING. I’ll never got over the fact (and don’t think I ever will) we don’t require parents to learn how to be parents. It’s a pattern. We expect their parents to be teach them but hell, if their parent’s don’t know how it just continues. In the end everyone is just screwed. I am with my student 6+ hours a day. I try to teach the kids everything I can. I don’t know if I’m doing it correctly. Now, I don’t even know if I’m doing them a favor in life of harming them. It’s so difficult to teach your students and test them to find that they don’t understand and get EVERYTHING wrong. It’s so difficult to work so hard and only see failure in the end. Of course, my temper doesn’t help. I get very easily frustrated. And when the assessments comes back as “Need Improvement” or “Below grade level” I want to scream! I forget that they are just kids. I forget that they don’t really understand the importance of the CST testing or how important it is for them to do well so they can get a good job. I want my students to get out of the poverty cycle that they were born into. But it seems the parents are working against me. They don’t’ help! They don’t understand nor it seems like they care. They are so intrigued about how their kids are now, rather then what will be good for them in the future. There is no back up from them. I tell them they need to do their homework and their parent’s say “Go play”. I tell them to study and the parents tell them, “Time for bed.” Why don’t they want their kids to succeed? Why don’t they understand how important it is for the kids to learn self discipline? It’s frustrating. When I see the product of what the students produce, I want to quit. I feel like I’m not doing them justice. I’m not helping them, rather I’m hindering them. I don’t want to be here if that is what I’m doing. I’m no longer the only person to consider. There are 20 kids that depend on me. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I can’t do it by myself but they seem to think I can. I can’t download information into their head. I can’t take their test for them, nor can I hold their hands and guide them through life. I hate it when I don’t feel like I’m giving 120%. It’s not enough to get by. I don’t want to be mediocre. I want to be good at what I’m doing. I wished I would have taking a test to see what I can do. What I’ll be good at. I want that test that says “Hey, May you will be great at ___________.” I would just jump in and go for it. But no, there isn’t a program that can predict what I’ll be happy doing. Which leaves me with the guilt of thinking I made the wrong decision. Is teaching not for me? If it isn’t, what can I do? I feel as if I have no path. I’m mediocre at a lot of things, but that’s not good enough. I want to rock at something. Anything! I’m a mediocre vball player, softball player, teacher, student, etc. Great, now this sounds like a pitty fest. I have to tell my school what my decision is for next year. Stay in the same grade? Try another grade? Go to a different school? Take a break? So many teachers are leaving from my school. That’s probably the only reason why they want me to stick around. I think there are 10-12 teachers leaving. I would be considered experience! Who am I to give advice? I still need to be advised and guided! Maybe this is just a funk I’m in. Maybe I’m just having a pitty fest. I don’t know. I just need to find something I’m good at and do it. Any one have any suggestions? If you read this far, thanks! I’m sure there is a comment about my rant, please share. I need opinions and advice. (Christopher already said I can’t be a stay home mommy. ) | 
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